So these are just some thoughts on mourning and how its effecting me.
I know my mom is in heaven and is out of pain.... but what I'm realizing is, mourning is more emotional and physical than mental. Combined with the stress I was undergoing prior to her passing anxiety has taken a strong hold of me. I finally gave up my fight against meds and decided I need some help; the panic attacks and lack of sleep were too much. Is it wrong to say I feel like its less from my mom's passing and more from sheer exhaustion. I went to the doctor and am now on anti-anxiety and sleep meds. The Buspir (anit-anxiety) seems to be working really well however the Ambien only works if I can take the Buspir with it...and time was that doesn't work so well for me. I'm realizing too it only works so long as nothing even the slightest bit upsetting comes up. It's frustrating to have to fight to be myself. Lack of sleep makes me depressed but I can't sleep. Little things bring me down. I would rather curl up in a pile of blankets and read a book then go out with my friends. I have to force myself to go out. I want to be there and I always have a good time but.... i just want to curl up. I want to sleep and get real rest. I can't think clearly... I'm tired of not being able to remember stuff. I'm irritable and I hate it. At times everything seems fine and I feel so focused and am actually getting things done but then I go home. I always feel depressed at home.... the meds don't help here. I want to be a good mom... but I don't feel like much of one right now.
There are so many things I want right now.... to be strong... to be a good mom... to be able to help Ruth to heal.... to travel... to do missions....to start a street drama team...to start making A's and graduate top of my class - maybe even early... to become a certified skydive instructor.....to stop hurting....to stop feeling alone... to have the answers... to be the one people lean on rather than needing to lean on them.
I just don't know how to make any of these things happen.....
Lord help me......
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Despair and Hope
Several month ago my mother took a turn for the worse. I came home for lunch to find her... well not herself. She looked up at me and with a smile said "I'm ready to go... I'm ready to go home momma." I of course called EMS immediately... mom was in the hospital for a time and then came home. I don't remember the details of what made her sick that time. What I remember most was the way I felt and how she was after. Hearing those words... she was ready to die... and it tore me up. Even after she came home it was weeks before I could really be around her. It completely tore me up. Thanks to prayer and a good friend I was able to move past the incident but I knew mom's time was coming. I did begin to spend time with her again but things were different. I coiuld no longer take her places... Dad had to lift her both into the car and into her chair at home. She was out of it most of the time... barely able to carry a conversation. Mom was no longer living but existing.
She surprised us though and in her last couple of weeks was making great improvements. She was more alert and even gaining strength. She wanted to go into a rehab center to build her strength even more. She was happy and we all had hope. One thing mom never gave up was hope.... she kept dreaming of her leg regrowing. She knew the power of the Lord and she believed in miracles. I think that is why she lived as long as she did. You see mom should not have lived this long. She had many close calls and therefore many miracles. One such example was her diabetic coma. Her blood sugar was well over 1800. She should not have lived but she did. She lived and she continued to serve. It was good to see that light back in her eyes those last couple of weeks.... That joy that was completely her.
I Love You Mom
She surprised us though and in her last couple of weeks was making great improvements. She was more alert and even gaining strength. She wanted to go into a rehab center to build her strength even more. She was happy and we all had hope. One thing mom never gave up was hope.... she kept dreaming of her leg regrowing. She knew the power of the Lord and she believed in miracles. I think that is why she lived as long as she did. You see mom should not have lived this long. She had many close calls and therefore many miracles. One such example was her diabetic coma. Her blood sugar was well over 1800. She should not have lived but she did. She lived and she continued to serve. It was good to see that light back in her eyes those last couple of weeks.... That joy that was completely her.
I Love You Mom
My Mother
Dedication
This blog is being written in honor of my dear mother Floy Elaine Templeton and for anyone who has ever struggled with the loss of a loved one.
Floy Elaine Templeton
Born November 28th, 1957
Died October 7th, 2010 at the age of 52
Survived by Husband Coy Templeton (51), Daughter Brooke Templeton (25), and Grand-daughter Ruth Templeton (3)
Elaine was an amazing woman who struggled with health difficulties from the early age of 11 when she was first diagnosed as a diabetic. The diabetes led to many other health issues including clogged arteries resulting in multiple stints and bypass surgeries, a below the knee amputation on her right leg, kidney dialysis and calcifalaxis among many other things.
Despite her illnesses Elaine stayed active working as an NICU nurse for many years and maintained a constant involvement in ministry. She spent many years planning and organizing Women's events such as retreats & luncheons with guest speakers. She was also very involved in Vacation Bible School as both a teacher and Director. In recent years she has been confined to a wheelchair but her heart and passion still remained for the Lord and for serving others. She continued in ministry leading Bible studies and becoming trained as a Christian Listener.
Her friends will all testify to her devotion to the Lord, her family and her friends. A unique woman with a great laugh, she was always joking around. On more than one occasion I have been told how she changed a friends life and has been such an incredible blessing.
Elaine is now dancing in the streets of Heaven and singing to her hearts content.
As thankful as I am she is no longer in pain I miss her a great deal. Grieving has not been easy for me which is why I have started this blog. It is my hope that this blog will somehow bless each reader and will help me to let go.
This blog is being written in honor of my dear mother Floy Elaine Templeton and for anyone who has ever struggled with the loss of a loved one.
Floy Elaine Templeton
Born November 28th, 1957
Died October 7th, 2010 at the age of 52
Survived by Husband Coy Templeton (51), Daughter Brooke Templeton (25), and Grand-daughter Ruth Templeton (3)
Elaine was an amazing woman who struggled with health difficulties from the early age of 11 when she was first diagnosed as a diabetic. The diabetes led to many other health issues including clogged arteries resulting in multiple stints and bypass surgeries, a below the knee amputation on her right leg, kidney dialysis and calcifalaxis among many other things.
Despite her illnesses Elaine stayed active working as an NICU nurse for many years and maintained a constant involvement in ministry. She spent many years planning and organizing Women's events such as retreats & luncheons with guest speakers. She was also very involved in Vacation Bible School as both a teacher and Director. In recent years she has been confined to a wheelchair but her heart and passion still remained for the Lord and for serving others. She continued in ministry leading Bible studies and becoming trained as a Christian Listener.
Her friends will all testify to her devotion to the Lord, her family and her friends. A unique woman with a great laugh, she was always joking around. On more than one occasion I have been told how she changed a friends life and has been such an incredible blessing.
Elaine is now dancing in the streets of Heaven and singing to her hearts content.
As thankful as I am she is no longer in pain I miss her a great deal. Grieving has not been easy for me which is why I have started this blog. It is my hope that this blog will somehow bless each reader and will help me to let go.
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