So these are just some thoughts on mourning and how its effecting me.
I know my mom is in heaven and is out of pain.... but what I'm realizing is, mourning is more emotional and physical than mental. Combined with the stress I was undergoing prior to her passing anxiety has taken a strong hold of me. I finally gave up my fight against meds and decided I need some help; the panic attacks and lack of sleep were too much. Is it wrong to say I feel like its less from my mom's passing and more from sheer exhaustion. I went to the doctor and am now on anti-anxiety and sleep meds. The Buspir (anit-anxiety) seems to be working really well however the Ambien only works if I can take the Buspir with it...and time was that doesn't work so well for me. I'm realizing too it only works so long as nothing even the slightest bit upsetting comes up. It's frustrating to have to fight to be myself. Lack of sleep makes me depressed but I can't sleep. Little things bring me down. I would rather curl up in a pile of blankets and read a book then go out with my friends. I have to force myself to go out. I want to be there and I always have a good time but.... i just want to curl up. I want to sleep and get real rest. I can't think clearly... I'm tired of not being able to remember stuff. I'm irritable and I hate it. At times everything seems fine and I feel so focused and am actually getting things done but then I go home. I always feel depressed at home.... the meds don't help here. I want to be a good mom... but I don't feel like much of one right now.
There are so many things I want right now.... to be strong... to be a good mom... to be able to help Ruth to heal.... to travel... to do missions....to start a street drama team...to start making A's and graduate top of my class - maybe even early... to become a certified skydive instructor.....to stop hurting....to stop feeling alone... to have the answers... to be the one people lean on rather than needing to lean on them.
I just don't know how to make any of these things happen.....
Lord help me......
One step at the time, sweetheart, one step at the time. Sometimes, been too hard on oneself has this terrible effect and eventually may make one feel that it is impossible and one is better off quitting. I know you have plenty time to think about things, refocus it and spend time figuring out what are your priorities. Work hard one the first three ones until you master them and then carry on with the following ones. and pls. whatever you decide your priorities are, make coming down to panama with ruth among the first ones =) Luv you girl.
ReplyDeleteJosue... I'm just now seeing this.. Thank You! And I really should have made that a priority.. I know it would have helped. Please know I am doing much better now.
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